The Great Divide

Last night was a milestone in my physical well being; for the first time in my entire life, I ran three miles (3.2 actually). Even typing that sentence sounds impossible. Then again, marching the 5.5 mile Tournament of Roses Parade also seemed an impossibility, but hey, I did that. Wasn't pleasant, but it's crossed off my list of "cool stuff I've done." Oddly enough, I probably could have kept going until about mile four. I've never felt so invigorated, and had no reason to, seeing as I had just gotten off a shift at the dining hall cleaning up the entire kitchen, bending over, on my feet for 2.5 hours. I forced myself to go to the gym, and look what happened.

This leads me to believe that within every one of us, there's a divide. Mental decisions and physical decisions don't always match up... sometimes your body wants to do something, but your mind doesn't, or vice versa. You can keep going all you want mentally, but the divide stops you from physically progressing. Lately I've been trying to hone both "sides" to match up and think alike.

Lately I've been wearing a bracelet (haven't taken it off in about two or three weeks) as a symbol of strength, or potential. It's a chain bracelet, appropriately: we are chained to our decisions. I look at it when I eat or when I exercise to remind myself that whether I like it or not, that cheeseburger I put in my mouth is going to make me unhealthier in the end.

I need visual communication. It's just how I operate. However, as I've begun to explore my options as a human, pretty much, and have learned more about myself this year, I keep coming back to the notion that we each have our own divides to cross. Sometimes it just takes a shove, a personal shove. Not from a higher power, not from friends, not from family, but you alone, you singular. Perhaps this is why I work out alone, or draw in solitude with one hand over my sketchbook so that nobody witnesses my inner turmoil that usually makes its way to paper in pencil form. When I'm in the gym, I'm comfortable with only me grunting out that last chest press, or making the finishing touch on a disturbing drawing, I guess. I don't like other people making decisions for me, since the only person I can trust at the end of the day is myself.

So far this bracelet has been working to an extent. I'm getting used to an increased thought-flow. Now I'm okay with talking to myself in my head, mentally hopping over the barrier that "I can't," or "I don't want to." "I must" takes on a whole different attitude. I just have to keep telling myself that I must to become better.

That said, how do you psyche yourself up? How do you transcend that great divide between "want to" and "have to?" It's hard, but no one ever said life was easy!

P.S. There's an awesome song to go along with this post by the same name. It's also a badass song to run to.
The Great Divide - In This Moment